The Sometimes Problem: Why You're Not Making Progress in Sleep Training
If you're not making progress in sleep training, this might be why.
It's called intermittent reinforcement. It happens when a behavior gets reinforced sometimes, but not every time, and that inconsistency is what makes it stick.
Say you're trying to move away from rocking, shushing, or feeding baby to sleep. Half the time you hold back, and half the time you go in and rock, shush, or feed baby anyway. That's it. That's enough to keep the old habit alive and reinforce it.
It's the "sometimes" issue
Sometimes we go in after 2 minutes. Sometimes we go in after 15 minutes. Sometimes we pick up. Sometimes we don't pick up. Sometimes we feed. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we give up. Sometimes we continue on. Sometimes we sit in the room. Sometimes we stay out of the room. And so on.
The issue with "sometimes" is that your child can't make sense of sometimes. Your child makes sense of clear, concise, and consistent messages, and this is what yields the most success.
Why being wishy washy backfires
Being inconsistent doesn't just set you back. It causes more crying. When your responses change night to night, she doesn't know what to expect, so instead of settling faster, she cries harder, testing to see which version of you she'll get. The thing you were doing to help is often what's making it harder.
This is one of the hardest things parents struggle with in sleep training. What they don't realize is how much being wishy washy in their responses can set baby all the way back to square one.
Consistency is what sends a clear message. There are absolutely nights that call for more support, use your judgment. But for the most part, staying consistent with your approach is what prevents backtracking and regression. Staying consistent when she's crying is genuinely one of the hardest parts of this whole process, and it's okay if it's hard for you too.
It's not only about being inconsistent, it's also about doing too much
Intermittent reinforcement isn't only about inconsistency in your responses. It can also be about too much interference, or the wrong kind of interference. I know this is a tough pill to swallow, because parents often think more response is better, but that can really backfire. Responding too much during sleep training is often counterintuitive. It reinforces the crying and prolongs the process.
Going in and out of the room too often, or getting up and down from your chair without timed check-ins, can confuse your child and cause unnecessary tears. This is entirely preventable, and of course the type of comfort you offer will depend on your child's age and personality. Whether you're doing timed check-ins from inside or outside the room, it's better to interact as little as possible so you don't overstimulate or confuse your baby. You don't want to go in for a check-in and start a conversation, or offer comfort for too long, especially if it's something you're trying to wean away from.
This doesn't mean leaving your baby to cry for hours. It means being mindful with your responses, and finding the balance between responding and not interfering too much.
Where else this pattern shows up
Intermittent reinforcement isn't limited to bedtime responses. It can quietly work its way into a few other common spots in the sleep training process:
Saving naps.
Saving a nap tells your child that they can try to fall asleep on their own for a while, cry, fuss, call out, but that eventually you'll step in and save it anyway. That's the same "sometimes" pattern, just at nap time instead of at night. It can take away the opportunity to learn to fall asleep independently, confuse your child since your nighttime response looks different, perpetuate a cat-napping cycle, and reinforce more tears.
There are exceptions, an overtired infant who's had a rough day, or a baby who'd otherwise be awake for an unreasonable stretch before bed, may benefit from an occasional saved nap. Just try to save that flexibility for after your child has mastered falling asleep independently, not while they're still learning.
Splitting nap and night training.
Training naps and nighttime separately often prolongs the process and confuses your child, since you're sending one message during the day and a different one at night, and asking your child to reconcile both. Parents often split the two thinking it's gentler, but it usually backfires. If you've split nap and night training and progress has stalled, this may be part of why.
The takeaway
This applies to any age, any behavior you're trying to change, not just sleep training. But in the context of sleep, it comes down to this: your child isn't giving you a hard time. She's responding exactly how anyone would to an inconsistent pattern.
She's not confused because she's difficult. She's confused because the message keeps changing. Give her the same message, night after night, and that's when things start to click.
