Self-Soothing & Self-Settling: What They Really Mean and Why They Matter
If you’re a parent scrolling through all the sleep advice the internet has to offer, you’ve probably seen the terms “self-soothing” and “self-settling” more times than you can count. They're often mentioned as goals for your baby — that your baby needs to learn to self-soothe, that self-settling is key to better sleep, and that if they don’t, you’re doing something wrong.
But here’s the truth: while these terms can used interchangeable, they are often misunderstood, misused, and can leave parents feeling confused or even guilty. So let’s clear it up.
Where Did the Term "Self-Soothing" Come From?
The phrase “self-soothing” was first introduced in the 1970s by Dr. Thomas Anders, a pediatrician and child psychiatrist. Through video recordings, Dr. Anders observed infants during sleep and noted that some babies would wake, stir, or fuss briefly—and then return to sleep without crying out for help. He described this behavior as “self-soothing.”
But here’s the key: Dr. Anders never claimed babies were consciously soothing themselves. He was documenting a pattern — that some infants, especially when provided with consistent sleep routines and the opportunity, could resettle without external assistance. Over time, the concept has been stretched and misinterpreted to imply that babies can or should regulate their emotions independently from early on, which is not developmentally accurate.
What Is Self-Soothing, Really?
Self-soothing refers to a baby’s growing ability to regulate their emotions and calm themselves back to sleep-without reliance on external help like rocking, feeding, or holding.
What Does Research Show?
Dr. Anders’ work revealed that babies can develop the ability to settle themselves — especially when given consistent routines and gentle opportunities to try.
Babies who were allowed short periods to resettle often returned to sleep on their own, showing early signs of self-regulation.
Importantly, these babies weren’t distressed — they were simply given the space to explore falling back asleep. Over time, this built stronger self-settling habits.
Is It Developmental? Absolutely.
Self-soothing is a developmental milestone — not something you can force or rush. Most babies begin to show signs of self-settling between 4 to 6 months, though it varies widely from child to child.
With gentle support and healthy sleep habits, babies can gradually learn to fall asleep more independently.
Babies Aren’t Mini Adults
When adults talk about self-soothing, we think of things like taking deep breaths, going for a walk, or venting to a friend. These are learned coping strategies. But babies don’t have those tools yet. They don’t have the neurological maturity to “soothe” themselves the way we do.
What’s more accurate? Some babies are born with more independent sleep tendencies, while others need more support. It’s not a skill we teach — it’s a developmental process.
Self-Settling: The Practical Side
“Self-settling” is often used interchangeably with “self-soothing,” but it refers more specifically to how a baby falls asleep.
If a baby can fall asleep at the beginning of the night without much help (like feeding, rocking, or bouncing), they’re more likely to link sleep cycles and resettle during night wakings.
This doesn’t mean removing all support at once. It means gradually helping babies build the ability to fall asleep more independently in ways that are developmentally appropriate and emotionally supportive.
It’s not about “crying it out.” It’s about developing emotional regulation over time.
What Helps Self-Settling Develop?
Here’s what studies and experts highlight:
1. Consistent Routines Build Sleep Confidence
Studies (like Riggs et al., Sleep Health, 2016) have shown that predictable bedtime routines — even starting as early as infancy — are linked to:
Faster sleep onset
Longer sleep duration
Fewer night wakings
Routine helps babies anticipate what comes next, making sleep feel safe and familiar.
2. Comfort Is Still Central
Supporting self-settling doesn’t mean withholding love or ignoring your baby. It means:
Responding mindfully, not reactively
Giving your baby a moment to try before intervening
Creating a secure, consistent environment where they can learn at their own pace
Babies who are cared for in this way often show greater emotional regulation over time because they’re being gently guided—not left to figure it out alone.
Bottom Line:
You don’t have to teach your baby to “self-soothe” overnight — and you certainly don’t have to leave them to cry alone to build healthy sleep habits. What babies need most is consistency, connection, and the gentle opportunity to practice new skills in a secure environment. Sleep is a developmental process, not a performance — and every baby gets there in their own time.
By understanding what self-soothing really means and how self-settling develops, you’re already one step closer to calmer nights and confident parenting. You’ve got this — and your baby does too.
